You know, they say we’re emotional. Our emotions are all over the place. What do you think about that? No really, what do you think about that? Do you combat it or do you agree with it? If it’s true, do you have control of your emotions? I’d really like to think I had control of mine but do I have control?
We seem to always be put in this statistic. The graphs, data, documented research. My, my, between my neurology team, 4 Generals at home, and primary care doctor keeping tabs, and giving orders, I feel like I’m on probation, did something wrong at times. Not only, here at Step For Me where the caregivers are known as Generals, my husband can be quite militant at times with me as he is a Veteran. Just last week, he so lovingly, yet sternly requested l only work on Step For Me 4 hours a day. On the inside, I wanted to scream WHAT?!?! Knowing fully, down in my soul, he was right. As I humbly agreed, he was extremely surprised I didn’t fast pitch him a rebuttal. Can I be honest? Step For Me has become a priority, not over my family but a definite priority in my life. Any other time, I would’ve pitched that ball fully loaded, but at the time, I didn’t even have the strength to argue, fight, or stand in the gap against his desire. You know what I’m talking about. That kind of can’t keep your head up, can’t see straight, don’t know if you’re coming or going type of MS exhaustion. I knew I didn’t have an ounce of excuse in me sonI looked up at him, agreed with him whole heartedly.I told him he was right and I thanked him. This made me wonder, am I, could I, is it possible that if I were not so tired, would I have put up a fight, full of excuses. ABSOLUTELY!! I’ll own it! But, WHY??
Here me out. Could it be that my situation always feels monitored, watched over, checked up on. I mean, at times my own children have to get authoritative when in my moments of being wife, mom or director. At times, juggling them all at the same time. I put my health last, sometimes I forget, I simply can’t afford to push it like I did before the diagnosis. I DON’T ALWAYS LIKE IT, but they love me! They know me. They take care of me, so WHY, WHY get in my emotions, be mad at them, push them away til’ I cool off. WHY? WHY, get emotional with them? It’s not their fault. They are fully aware I don’t like “not being in control”, a curse it seems, knowing I carry the weight of MS on my shoulders, my mind and everywhere else. That’s all they are trying to do. Keep me in control because if I don’t stay in control, I allow MS to control. Inevitably, the disease would then be in control of us all. If Mom is down with a relapse, they all have to step in to cover my part.
Just 10 minutes ago, while typing this blog, I wanted to put my glasses on. They only have that blue light technology in them, no other prescription, but they are crushed. I had lost them for 2 weeks then I found them crushed in the driveway. Only one lens is cracked and the crack is inside the lens, no broken chipped glass. But, I really just wanted to finish this blog but my eyes could have used some relief. He tells me no, the blog can wait. So while blogging about this very topic, I actually started making excuses as to why this really stupid idea was a good one. I mean, I could feel me searching for valid reasons, excuses as to why I was going to execute my idea. I am extremely tired, it’s quitting time, but I wasn’t finished. So, I allowed myself to, “by any means necessary” finish before MS made me. I wish you could have seen the look on his face after he had already said No! He realized, I was getting tired. I felt it coming but was willing to push that limit!
Remember, we are emotional, I mean, with the way MS beats us up all day, I think emotional is expected and our right, but communication is important. Find ways to notice and realize when it’s necessary to be emotional and own it. That’s not always easy. Seek understanding, within yourself. Unfortunately, repeated, unnecessary excuses for why or why not could present bigger problems for you and those loved ones around you.
I take pride in sitting down one on one with MS Warriors at our events. It helps me look for ways to create, and design programs for Warriors and their Generals that are extremely tired and have over -worked duties.
More often than not, I find in my own research, data and statistics, more MS Warriors have regrets of past relationships that may no longer be. Some now see how their emotional MS state of mind can contribute negatively if they don’t own it. True communication is a 2 way street. All parties involved must be willing to communicate and understand. Pointing fingers and being argumentative fixes absolutely nothing. Simply put, listen and make it your business to understand! Be Blessed.